What I Didn't Do

This Christmas season has certainly been a unique one for us with having a newborn. Since Aleeah was born, I've been learning that I can't do everything I used to do and still give her the time and attention she needs right now. Novel concept, I know, but it's been a challenging one for me to grasp. Somehow I think I should be able to be SuperMom with a spotlessly clean house, dinner on the table ready to go by time Michael gets home each evening, and of course never behind on laundry or ironing. And so in an attempt to have a simpler, more relaxed December, there were several things I decided not to do this year -


1. I didn't make tons of cookies. I only made two kinds: sugar cookies and spritz were the winners. This was a little hard for me because the many afternoons spent baking are part of what makes it feel like December to me. In actuality though, just making a few cookies is far more realistic for us. How many can should two people really eat anyway?
2. I didn't make a wreath for my front door. (Instead, the extra branches from our tree that I'd intended to use for a wreath, sat on our porch step all month.) But my sweet sister made one for me!
3. I didn't make our traditional Christmas morning punch. I served orange juice with our banana bread and grits instead and you know what? No one noticed or cared. I think I might make that the new tradition!
4. I didn't send out Christmas letters. Another thing that was hard for me to let go of since it didn't happen last year either. However, my sister-in-law suggested sending out valentine cards instead and I love that idea!

5. I didn't stress that I wasn't able to make all the gifts I wanted to. There will always be other opportunities for handmade gifts; this just wasn't the season for it.

Did you do anything differently this year? How did you feel about the results of that decision?

"There are seasons in which you may not have all your ducks in a row, and that's okay, because art is being made, passions are being pursued, relationships are in a high-maintenance, deepening mode, or you're just in survival mode - just for a season."

This quote was exactly what I needed to stumble across today. Now that we're adjusting to not having my mom here to help out, I've been feeling as if my life consists entirely of all things baby and lacks the variety it used to have. Not that I mind spending my days caring for my little one, but some part of me does miss having time to sit down with my knitting or a good book. (Both of which feel impossible right now as I can barely manage to keep up with laundry and get dinner on the table!) Although I don't know who the quote was by, she certainly was right: we are just in a high-maintenance stage of life right now with this little one who has been entrusted to us. And its just that - a stage, a season. Someday I'll have plenty of time to read and knit and do housework but I'll be missing these days when she wakes up with a head of fuzzy hair looking just like a baby bird and when her favorite thing is to snuggle up with you. So for today I'm choosing to savor the stage we're in.

Baby Gazing

A mother recently told me that she never just sat and held any of her children when they were babies and I found this rather sad. So I've been taking the advice of those who have told me "Just enjoy your baby." There has been much baby gazing here these last twenty days since our little Aleeah Grace arrived...

Right Now...

...my focus is on nurturing - nurturing myself, my relationship with my husband, and my little one yet-to-be-born
...life centers around home - nesting, preparing, making things cozy and ready
...I feel myself drawing inward; it feels right for this season of fall and for this season of life
...I find myself perfectly content with my own current life season, as if things have fallen into place exactly as they were meant to be

Gardening

lettuce, dill, swiss chard, garlic, beets, radishes

peas and green beans

our first little green tomato!

One of the hardest things about living in a town home has been not having a yard. Okay I suppose we do have a little patch of grass the size of a postage stamp but nowhere to plant a garden or to put a swing for the baby next summer. Thankfully, however, Michael's parents offered to let us use some space in their yard in exchange for gardening help. It turned into a rather large project with Michael and his dad building numerous raised beds and fencing in an area large enough to protect all the boxes and his dad's apple trees from the deer. It was so exciting to watch our little seedlings pop out of the ground and now we are beginning to finally see blossoms on some plants! It has taken me a while to adjust to how late the growing season starts here compared to NC but knowing we are getting close to being able to pick a few of our veggies is exciting. There will undoubtedly be more garden pictures to come in the next few months - especially when it comes time for canning the fruits of our forty tomato plants!

Peeking Out

During these past few months of being sick I have often felt like a turtle, pulled back into my shell, waiting out the storm. And while the rain may not have completely stopped (both literally and figuratively - its been such a wet spring/summer here!) there have been some better days finally and I am beginning to peek out and find small ways to savor life again. Many thanks to all of my dear friends and family who have provided so much help, encouragement, prayer and support through the beginning of this difficult pregnancy. It means the world to know that our little family is surrounded by so many loving and caring people!

Good News & Letting Go

These past days have been particularly trying as I've been sick for two weeks straight and have ended up in the hospital twice. Most days there seems to be no end in sight. Now, truth be told, if one has to be sick and unable to get out of bed for that long, its nice when its for a good reason, which in my case it is - we're expecting a baby in November! Somehow though, my mind has managed to disconnect that fact as the reason for being so ill, which has made it much more difficult to keep things in perspective. My mom constantly reminds me "When you hold that baby in your arms you won't remember any of this" but my brain has a hard time focusing in on what that moment will be like and is far more apt at this point to bemoan how long its been since I was well enough to clean my bathrooms. And so I'm learning to let go. To let go of all the things I can't be doing right now, to let go of the fear that the morning sickness will continue to be this intense for all of my first trimester, to let go of simple things like not being able to have dinner cooked for my husband when he comes home.

A Bit of Wisdom

It's been several years now since I began regularly following several blogs and I've continued to add new ones as I discover people whose writing resonates with me. These blogs have become especially important to me since moving here, away from all that was familiar. Without friends and family near by, these lovely ladies have continued to be a source of inspiration and joy and reflection when I most need it.

One that I have been following for quite some time is Heather, from Beauty that Moves. Yesterday she posted a quote that I just had to share. It is particularly insightful when read in context so be sure to follow the link and read the story that gave birth to this bit of wisdom:

"If you can't have grace in the moment, have grace in the turnaround."

Tuning In

"I feel lost in the world today, disconnected, moorless. Who am I? Where am I going in life? Is any of this stuff I spend my time on really important? What is the big picture of my life right now? I ache for spring and warmth. Life seems possible then. The cold is wearing on me and I feel trapped. Trapped by the cold, trapped by not knowing what to make of my life right now. Sunshine helps and my studio feels cozy, fresh and inviting. A haven for my soul. I long to be able to go out on a walk but I wonder at the wisdom of that when its in the single digits and I'm already getting a sore throat. I sense a need for beauty and creativity but can I really leave my to do lists and abandon my spirit to that? I can find beauty and grace in the laundry but can I find it in my chemistry assignments? Something says "You don't dare put off that which was to be done today" (chemistry, math, bio, house cleaning, laundry, finishing gifts, errands) and yet Someone else whispers "Mindfulness, Intentionality, Nurturing, Grace, Awareness."

Lessons for Life (and for driving in snow)

• take it slow, don't be in a hurry
• learn to adapt quickly
• be adventuresome
  
• pay attention
  

A Curious Amalgam

"We feel most helpless when we've made choices by default..." ~Richard Bach

Michael and I have been living an interesting series of days here recently. A strange mix of intentionality and default, almost a subconscious experiment you could say. The past week has seen everything from schedules to free-form days "catering to the heart", early, focused mornings to late, relaxed ones.

And what lessons have come from this hodge-podge of days?

• That not every day needs to look the same. While a strict scheduling of my time may prove helpful one day, there are other days that staying home all day and even missing Bible study is healthier for my heart and for the life of our little family.
• The only way to know the difference between such things is to tune in. To be in touch with our needs and with what God is impressing on our hearts for that day and sometimes for each moment.
• I have also learned how easy it is for me to get side tracked with a different plan even once I have tuned in to what I need. Case in point: a yoga class that didn't finish til 9, then the drive home from the city. We were all set to quickly shower and settle in for the evening...until I saw that a movie had arrived in the mail. Three hours later...you get the picture ;)
• And yet even this brought another lesson the next morning as I proceeded to berate myself for making the decision to stay up. Michael gently reminded me that perhaps it would be better to see it as a learning opportunity than to continue to beat myself up for something that couldn't be changed.

So while our goal is to live this life of ours with more intentionality and less default, we are still remaining open to learn from this curious amalgam of the two.

Something Glorious

"Show me something glorious, I'll show you the Maker of it all, Show me something beautiful, I'll show you the One behind it all."

Today

"Today I have felt beautiful - beautifully ME! Completely myself, fully alive, whole, centered and confident as my true being shone out through everything I did today. Nothing was earth-shattering, there were no radical breakthroughs, just a calm assurance that where I am and who I am is exactly what God has for me right now. I don't need to strive for something more, I don't need to press too quickly into the future, I just need to rest here, fully alive, drinking in the graciousness God longs to show me today." Is. 30:18

Nourishing Connections

My sister called today and as we chatted, I was surprised to notice how much recipes fit right in our conversation. I have noticed this with my mom too, since moving, its a topic that comes up frequently.

"What are you making for dinner tonight?"

"I tried this new recipe that you would love!"

"Mom, do you know where I can find ingredients for ____?"

I've even called mom from the grocery store aisle to find out what is in her Pratt Stew so I could pick up the needed items.

However, it is only today that it is beginning to dawn on me that these recipes and dishes are part of our connection. Its not the three of us spending Saturday afternoons cooking for Sunday together anymore, but you mention Southwest Chicken Ring and our minds are taken back to the house on Boxwood Lane, the neighbor who taught us to make it, and the season of our lives in which that meal was a regular. Some of the recipes bridge generations, like when my aunt calls mom for Gamma's gravy secrets, and some are just tradition, like Spinach casserole for Thanksgiving...and Christmas...and Easter :) And while we may not live in the same house anymore, or down the road or even in the same state, part of us remains connected as we each nourish our own families from the same recipes.

Living in God's Renewal

Despite my desire to keep December from being too busy, I tried to do too much and neglected to take time to care for myself, to give my spirit the rest it needed. And so I find myself now in January, on the far side of vacations, holidays and celebrations, feeling a desperate need to experience God's renewal, desiring restoration of my spirit. Not surprisingly, this need coincides with a busy new season, full of to do lists, resolutions, beginnings and commitments. A time in which it would be far too easy to continue in the path December created. And yet a time in which I feel I have been given special Grace to make the changes and new beginnings needed in my life.

January has never before seemed like such a fresh start for me. However, as I am becoming more comfortable and familiar with my new environment and having a few months of married life under my belt, I am more easily able to tune in with where I am and where life is headed. I am able to see areas where I am missing the mark, areas that need change if they are to reflect the life I've been called to live.

Because I like to do things rather than sit around and talk about them, most of the things I aim to accomplish are specific projects - things that have an ending point, that I know when I've achieved it. But living in God's renewal, letting Him restore my spirit is an ongoing process and its not a clearly defined one at that; it will not happen the same way every time. It requires me to be alert and in tune with God to see when and where He is seeking to bring His renewal to my heart. It requires that I slow down and create an atmosphere of quietness to be able to receive from Him. Yet the rewards will be great for I am promised that "In repentance and rest is [my] salvation, in quietness and trust is [my] strength." Isiah 30:15

Hope

"It is on days like this that I am tempted to believe that hope is a cruel thing. It is hope that says, "Maybe its too early" "Perhaps its because you did the test wrong" and "What about the other signs?" I want so very badly to be a mother - do I give in to the test results and say "Well, my mind and my body must just have been playing tricks on me" or do I hold out for hope?

I know my life pattern with hope and deep disappointment and I know it is because of these experiences that I now feel like discarding hope for the betrayer it has been in my past. But a life without hope? That seems as if it would be no life at all. All these years I've been putting my hope in specific outcomes instead of in the One in control of all outcomes. Setting myself above God, as if my own desires knew better than He what would be the best outcome of each circumstance I hoped for.

This is a humbling thing to realize and to write and yet it feels like a breath of fresh air. For so many months now I have been stagnant, wrapped up in trivial things - I have missed growth. And if these are the circumstances needed to bring me back, to teach me to hope in God and to trust His perfect timing and outcome in everything, then I'll take it, any day, over any hoped for outcome."

Secrets

"I feel like I have a secret, like I've gotten ahead of the rest of the world for the day. By 8:30 this morning, the sidewalks downtown were filled with people just on their way to work and the very air held the feeling of the day just beginning, and while on some days we are just waking up at 8:30, today was different. We had gotten up hours earlier, helped someone out with a ride to the airport, taken the train into the city, gotten breakfast together and had a wonderful time to talk and reconnect over coffee. Not to mention actually getting Michael into work early for a change. And yet the difference in today is more than that. The meaningfulness of our early morning was not in getting a lot done, it was in the time we took to be still, to reflect, to be together and we finished our coffee date both feeling energized and sensing a glow around us. As I go into the day tuned in and focused on what is truly important in life, I feel like I have a secret, a secret that is dying to find its way into the hearts and minds of those who go about their days in a mindless routine."


{{Oh it feels good to be back here, able to write again! Somehow I thought having mono mostly entailed fatigue, I had no idea it starts out with fevers and a throat so swollen you can barely swallow. How thankful I am to be past that part and for having such an amazing husband who has taken such good care of me the past several weeks! I am still feeling somewhat weak if I do too much, though on the whole I'm doing tons better. Many thanks to everyone who called and wrote to check in on me!}}

So close, and yet so far

I allowed the picture to come into focus clearly tonight for the first time...the tiny little one sleeping on Michael's chest, my eyes, his ears, a tuft of dark hair, tiny fingers curled up on his chest, a small, contented yawn from a baby mouth. Its the most precious thing in my mind, so clear, as if I could reach out and gently rub the tiny back before slipping a pair of mama-knit socks on the adorably minuscule feet...and it makes me ache. I have always known I wanted my own little ones, mothering is my highest passion, and yet it was so indistinct. Something has shifted tonight - it can never again be so inspecific for my heart now feels as if it is missing a little someone I have never met.

27 things

As you all know, I'm now a year older (and wiser?) and so for my birthday I decided it was time to try a few things I've caught on to as I've been exploring different blogs the past few years.

The first is a list of 27 things I want to do before I turn 27...

1. Project 365 (see the link on the sidebar)
2. Learn to cross country ski
3. Learn to knit cables
4. Dance often
5. Read at least twelve books (of course I'd like to do more, but hey, I'm trying to be realistic for once!)
6. Finish my associates degree
7. Take a real vacation
8. Truly know different kinds of yarn (what's good for which projects, different fiber combinations, learning their feel etc.)
9. Plant a gardent
10. Start (and finish!) our wedding album
11. Learn to knit socks
12. Go backpacking
13. Paint a picture
14. Learn to draw rocks, water, trees (the things that really hold me back from drawing what I want to)
15. Make a friend
16. Perfect home-made granola bars (anyone have a good recipe?)
17. Try kayaking
18. Scrapbook at least one real moment a month
19. Mail a surprise gift
20. Research children and emotions
21. Try roasted pumpkin seeds
22. Try wet felting
23. Volunteer
24. Surprise someone
25. Swim in the ocean
26. Write a poem
27. Express gratitude often

I'm sure things from this list will find their way into future posts so watch out :) I'm especially excited about Project365 as well as the other new link in the sidebar. I've been loving having time to try a few new things like this that help me see the beauty in the world around me and funnel my inspiration into useful channels so I'll be able to find/recall it when opportunities arise!

This Time

I find myself faced this morning with the delightful prospect of not being able to leave the house for the next three hours - we're waiting for a delivery which must be signed for. What will I do with my time? I've been realizing recently that I have been allowing myself to feel guilty for the freedoms I have in life right now. It's subtle, but it's true. I think of my friends who spend the majority of their days teaching, working, going to school - this is what I'm used to and I've somehow guilt-tripped myself into thinking that I should still be doing those. In other words I have not fully and gracefully accepted the blessings of the life that I have been given for this season, however long it may be. There is not a need for me to work unless I want to, for the time being I do not have classes to attend, I don't have any students yet, nor do I have children to care for. My responsibilities are so few, my days so relaxed and easy compared to what they used to be and yet I have been putting the pressure of my old life on myself without need. This season will not last forever - in January I plan to finish up the classes I need for my associates, I'm looking forward to finding some students (I have one person interested as of last night!) and eventually I hope there will be some little ones around here (eventually meaning I'm hoping for sooner rather than later ;) ). And so I'll take my three hours this morning and use them to celebrate this time. This time of growth, of learning about myself and about the kind of family we hope to create, of healing from the past, of being inspired for the future.