Hope

"It is on days like this that I am tempted to believe that hope is a cruel thing. It is hope that says, "Maybe its too early" "Perhaps its because you did the test wrong" and "What about the other signs?" I want so very badly to be a mother - do I give in to the test results and say "Well, my mind and my body must just have been playing tricks on me" or do I hold out for hope?

I know my life pattern with hope and deep disappointment and I know it is because of these experiences that I now feel like discarding hope for the betrayer it has been in my past. But a life without hope? That seems as if it would be no life at all. All these years I've been putting my hope in specific outcomes instead of in the One in control of all outcomes. Setting myself above God, as if my own desires knew better than He what would be the best outcome of each circumstance I hoped for.

This is a humbling thing to realize and to write and yet it feels like a breath of fresh air. For so many months now I have been stagnant, wrapped up in trivial things - I have missed growth. And if these are the circumstances needed to bring me back, to teach me to hope in God and to trust His perfect timing and outcome in everything, then I'll take it, any day, over any hoped for outcome."