Committments

One of the best things Michael and I have done together has been reading the same book and discussing what we learned. Shortly before his last trip down here we finished Conscious Loving (G. Hendricks) which I really enjoyed. I think it had some important lessons for us and ideas on the kind of relationship we want to create. Toward the end, it summarizes many lessons from the book into a set of commitments, which now reside copied out on my bathroom mirror to remind myself daily of what I am aiming for, what I am committed to.

I am committed...

• to being close (emotionally open and honest) and to clearing up anything in the way of my ability to do so
• to my own complete development as an individual
• to revealing myself in my relationships, not to concealing myself
• to the full empowerment of people around me (doing what I can to help them become everything that they can be)
  
• to acting out of the awareness that I am 100% the source of my reality (rather than playing the victim role in life)
• to having a good time in my close relationships
  

"You build your personal world, calm or wild according to what you wish. You can weave peace in the midst of chaos, you can destroy in the midst of paradise. Depends on how you shape your spirit." ~R. Bach

I've been reminded several times in the past few days to take a moment to be still and calm, to breathe deeply and embrace silence. I don't have to just go with what seems to be the chaotic flow of life these days, I can embrace peace in my own heart and let it flow over into my day.

Stability

For those of you on facebook, I'm sure you already guessed from my status that I got to go see Michael over the weekend. We both have some pretty important decisions to make in the next few weeks which will affect us both no matter what we decide so it was really helpful to be able to talk through some things in person rather than trying to figure it all out over the phone. While we had a great time together and got to do some really neat things up in MN, it was also a time of growth for both of us individually and together. I'm not sure any of the decisions are officially "made" but we have a clearer picture of where we want to go, the kind of life we want to create. This has made coming home very interesting, to be constantly faced with the realization of all the things that will be affected, all the change ahead in life, and I've realized this afternoon that it has me floundering to some degree.

Which brings me to some important questions: Where do I find my stability in life? Where have I been finding it and why is that not working for me? Where do I want to find it and how do I go about that?

I know that the next phase of life holds many adventures that I'm not sure I'm "ready" for yet and lots of lessons that can only be learned through difficult circumstances. This question of stability, though, seems like it will be key in what ever happens. So that's what I'm pondering today - not so much focusing on what decisions need to be made, but where will I find the stability that will allow me to move through change with grace and openness to whatever lessons come?

I never realized before what a scary thing it could be to share your ideal, your dream, with someone, even someone you trust implicitly. Dreams are fragile things, easily shattered, able to slip away into the night, never to be seen again. That seems to be one of my main lessons recently though - to open up and share thoughts and dreams and feelings, wishes, wants and needs that I would have kept to myself in the past. Thus far I've found it to be a terrifying, exhilarating, freeing lesson in which I often feel I'm just along for the ride and I have no idea what the end result will be.

"How much of myself will I let myself become?"

I'm back

Ah, I just have to say a two week vacation has been wonderful!!! It was not a complete vacation, but not having to teach at Atlas left me with a lot of free time to rest and enjoy normal things as well as special things...Michael coming for Easter, a weekend trip to the mountains, fun cooking projects (I've fallen in love with tofu pasta salad!), going to see Alice in Wonderland, planting seeds, dinner with friends, reading and late mornings to rest and just *be* But alas, normal life starts again. In a way I'm looking forward to it though - a break has been nice but my routine sounds so inviting, and so, I'm back!

the open road

"I can feel the tension melting out of my shoulders as the warm sunshine floods in through my open sunroof. It feels incredibly good to be driving somewhere for a reason other than work! Warmth and sunshine and the open road beckon and I can hardly wait to go on a road trip up to the mountains with Michael this weekend. Driving, talking, music, open windows, hiking, exploring, being together - just the vacation I need."