Tuning In

"I feel lost in the world today, disconnected, moorless. Who am I? Where am I going in life? Is any of this stuff I spend my time on really important? What is the big picture of my life right now? I ache for spring and warmth. Life seems possible then. The cold is wearing on me and I feel trapped. Trapped by the cold, trapped by not knowing what to make of my life right now. Sunshine helps and my studio feels cozy, fresh and inviting. A haven for my soul. I long to be able to go out on a walk but I wonder at the wisdom of that when its in the single digits and I'm already getting a sore throat. I sense a need for beauty and creativity but can I really leave my to do lists and abandon my spirit to that? I can find beauty and grace in the laundry but can I find it in my chemistry assignments? Something says "You don't dare put off that which was to be done today" (chemistry, math, bio, house cleaning, laundry, finishing gifts, errands) and yet Someone else whispers "Mindfulness, Intentionality, Nurturing, Grace, Awareness."

Today

"Today I have felt beautiful - beautifully ME! Completely myself, fully alive, whole, centered and confident as my true being shone out through everything I did today. Nothing was earth-shattering, there were no radical breakthroughs, just a calm assurance that where I am and who I am is exactly what God has for me right now. I don't need to strive for something more, I don't need to press too quickly into the future, I just need to rest here, fully alive, drinking in the graciousness God longs to show me today." Is. 30:18

Nourishing Connections

My sister called today and as we chatted, I was surprised to notice how much recipes fit right in our conversation. I have noticed this with my mom too, since moving, its a topic that comes up frequently.

"What are you making for dinner tonight?"

"I tried this new recipe that you would love!"

"Mom, do you know where I can find ingredients for ____?"

I've even called mom from the grocery store aisle to find out what is in her Pratt Stew so I could pick up the needed items.

However, it is only today that it is beginning to dawn on me that these recipes and dishes are part of our connection. Its not the three of us spending Saturday afternoons cooking for Sunday together anymore, but you mention Southwest Chicken Ring and our minds are taken back to the house on Boxwood Lane, the neighbor who taught us to make it, and the season of our lives in which that meal was a regular. Some of the recipes bridge generations, like when my aunt calls mom for Gamma's gravy secrets, and some are just tradition, like Spinach casserole for Thanksgiving...and Christmas...and Easter :) And while we may not live in the same house anymore, or down the road or even in the same state, part of us remains connected as we each nourish our own families from the same recipes.

Living in God's Renewal

Despite my desire to keep December from being too busy, I tried to do too much and neglected to take time to care for myself, to give my spirit the rest it needed. And so I find myself now in January, on the far side of vacations, holidays and celebrations, feeling a desperate need to experience God's renewal, desiring restoration of my spirit. Not surprisingly, this need coincides with a busy new season, full of to do lists, resolutions, beginnings and commitments. A time in which it would be far too easy to continue in the path December created. And yet a time in which I feel I have been given special Grace to make the changes and new beginnings needed in my life.

January has never before seemed like such a fresh start for me. However, as I am becoming more comfortable and familiar with my new environment and having a few months of married life under my belt, I am more easily able to tune in with where I am and where life is headed. I am able to see areas where I am missing the mark, areas that need change if they are to reflect the life I've been called to live.

Because I like to do things rather than sit around and talk about them, most of the things I aim to accomplish are specific projects - things that have an ending point, that I know when I've achieved it. But living in God's renewal, letting Him restore my spirit is an ongoing process and its not a clearly defined one at that; it will not happen the same way every time. It requires me to be alert and in tune with God to see when and where He is seeking to bring His renewal to my heart. It requires that I slow down and create an atmosphere of quietness to be able to receive from Him. Yet the rewards will be great for I am promised that "In repentance and rest is [my] salvation, in quietness and trust is [my] strength." Isiah 30:15

Hope

"It is on days like this that I am tempted to believe that hope is a cruel thing. It is hope that says, "Maybe its too early" "Perhaps its because you did the test wrong" and "What about the other signs?" I want so very badly to be a mother - do I give in to the test results and say "Well, my mind and my body must just have been playing tricks on me" or do I hold out for hope?

I know my life pattern with hope and deep disappointment and I know it is because of these experiences that I now feel like discarding hope for the betrayer it has been in my past. But a life without hope? That seems as if it would be no life at all. All these years I've been putting my hope in specific outcomes instead of in the One in control of all outcomes. Setting myself above God, as if my own desires knew better than He what would be the best outcome of each circumstance I hoped for.

This is a humbling thing to realize and to write and yet it feels like a breath of fresh air. For so many months now I have been stagnant, wrapped up in trivial things - I have missed growth. And if these are the circumstances needed to bring me back, to teach me to hope in God and to trust His perfect timing and outcome in everything, then I'll take it, any day, over any hoped for outcome."

Secrets

"I feel like I have a secret, like I've gotten ahead of the rest of the world for the day. By 8:30 this morning, the sidewalks downtown were filled with people just on their way to work and the very air held the feeling of the day just beginning, and while on some days we are just waking up at 8:30, today was different. We had gotten up hours earlier, helped someone out with a ride to the airport, taken the train into the city, gotten breakfast together and had a wonderful time to talk and reconnect over coffee. Not to mention actually getting Michael into work early for a change. And yet the difference in today is more than that. The meaningfulness of our early morning was not in getting a lot done, it was in the time we took to be still, to reflect, to be together and we finished our coffee date both feeling energized and sensing a glow around us. As I go into the day tuned in and focused on what is truly important in life, I feel like I have a secret, a secret that is dying to find its way into the hearts and minds of those who go about their days in a mindless routine."


{{Oh it feels good to be back here, able to write again! Somehow I thought having mono mostly entailed fatigue, I had no idea it starts out with fevers and a throat so swollen you can barely swallow. How thankful I am to be past that part and for having such an amazing husband who has taken such good care of me the past several weeks! I am still feeling somewhat weak if I do too much, though on the whole I'm doing tons better. Many thanks to everyone who called and wrote to check in on me!}}

So close, and yet so far

I allowed the picture to come into focus clearly tonight for the first time...the tiny little one sleeping on Michael's chest, my eyes, his ears, a tuft of dark hair, tiny fingers curled up on his chest, a small, contented yawn from a baby mouth. Its the most precious thing in my mind, so clear, as if I could reach out and gently rub the tiny back before slipping a pair of mama-knit socks on the adorably minuscule feet...and it makes me ache. I have always known I wanted my own little ones, mothering is my highest passion, and yet it was so indistinct. Something has shifted tonight - it can never again be so inspecific for my heart now feels as if it is missing a little someone I have never met.

This Time

I find myself faced this morning with the delightful prospect of not being able to leave the house for the next three hours - we're waiting for a delivery which must be signed for. What will I do with my time? I've been realizing recently that I have been allowing myself to feel guilty for the freedoms I have in life right now. It's subtle, but it's true. I think of my friends who spend the majority of their days teaching, working, going to school - this is what I'm used to and I've somehow guilt-tripped myself into thinking that I should still be doing those. In other words I have not fully and gracefully accepted the blessings of the life that I have been given for this season, however long it may be. There is not a need for me to work unless I want to, for the time being I do not have classes to attend, I don't have any students yet, nor do I have children to care for. My responsibilities are so few, my days so relaxed and easy compared to what they used to be and yet I have been putting the pressure of my old life on myself without need. This season will not last forever - in January I plan to finish up the classes I need for my associates, I'm looking forward to finding some students (I have one person interested as of last night!) and eventually I hope there will be some little ones around here (eventually meaning I'm hoping for sooner rather than later ;) ). And so I'll take my three hours this morning and use them to celebrate this time. This time of growth, of learning about myself and about the kind of family we hope to create, of healing from the past, of being inspired for the future.

the open road

"I can feel the tension melting out of my shoulders as the warm sunshine floods in through my open sunroof. It feels incredibly good to be driving somewhere for a reason other than work! Warmth and sunshine and the open road beckon and I can hardly wait to go on a road trip up to the mountains with Michael this weekend. Driving, talking, music, open windows, hiking, exploring, being together - just the vacation I need."

Beauty

Beauty has seemed very close all day. Driving home tonight it was almost tangible; the sun had already set but the horizon was tinged with pink and shrouded in dusky purple. From the bare branches of the trees along side the road a flock of small birds took to the air, hundreds of tiny wings, black against the sky. Beauty. So close I could almost reach out and touch it.

And in a way I feel I have played a part in Beauty today, that it has been in me and I have been a part of its existence today. Physical loveliness is only one part of the expression of all that true Beauty is. And while I would not call myself beautiful today, I would describe my appearance and my frame of mind today (at least most of the day) as being graceful. A gracefulness that feels like it came to me this morning straight from the Beauty to which it belongs and which has been so near all day. Skirts speak to me of gracefulness these days and I have been wearing a long comfy jean skirt today with a purple shirt that has a slight turquoise shimmer to it and a gray sweater for the chilly spring evening. My steps were more gentle, my mind more focused, my heart more in tune.

May the grace of today flow into the peacefulness of this evening and may Beauty always be as real and as close as it has been throughout this day.

Pulse - evidence of a heart at work, an underlying rhythm, the core of life

my pulse: monitoring where my focus is, reminding myself in the hard times why it was that I wanted to move out, discovering a new daily rhythm, making conscious choices "large" and "small" that create my life, remaining open

For those who care to bear with some of my random thoughts...

My life has changed so quickly. In July I had no idea what was coming. In October I skipped merrily along. And then in December life was crazy different than my plans. I look ahead at the next few months...March...May...July again, they're empty pages in my calendar, blank canvases waiting for paint. Can I plan them and they will come to be? Will paint appear on them by some unbidden hand, creating a picture I could never have imagined? Do my suggestions and choices create them moment by moment? Or is life some combination of these? Or possibly something else that has never even crossed my mind?

Paradox...

...Is it strange to remember when and how you learned a word over a dozen years ago? I'm not sure if it is, but I know I'm grateful Rachel explained this word to me in an email all those years ago because it has so aptly described many things in the intervening years, but especially my life right now. This time I am walking through seems so chaotic, uncertain, ambivalent. I have a feeling these next few years are likely to be filled with a lot of change. And yet this is the most settled I have felt in a long time. A paradox. Two things which would seem to be mutually exclusive and yet somehow manage to exist together at the same time.

Ponderings and a small lecture to myself...

--- How can one thing throw your internal rhythm so far off kilter? Intellectually I know that this is nothing unusual. If it were not this, it would be something else. Every time in life that you finally reach some place of equilibrium, something will come along for you to struggle with, adjust to or accept. And this is okay - its what keeps life interesting. The key is all in perspective. If you look at it as a bother and an interruption then it will be one. If you choose to see it as an adventure - one of the many small "detours" that make up our lives - and relax, letting the current carry you along, then you will be able to embrace life. It's your choice. What will you do with it? ---

"Whatever you do is what shall be."

Things You Need to Know Pt. 1

Life has certainly changed since I went to EXCEL in 2003. I remember being very discouraged during Mr. Bell's talks, even though they were my favorite sessions, because I didn't know what I was supposed to do with my life. I had no idea what my life calling was, I couldn't see where the forks in the road were taking me. As I look back over my notes from those sessions this morning, I am amazed at how much more clarity I have been given in life. This list no longer scares me:

Things You Need to Know

• Where you want to go - life purpose
• What you wish to accomplish - goals
• How you're going to get there - plans
• What you need to take with you - abilities
• What we need to overcome - obstacles and detours
• Who will be your guides - teachers
• Who will travel with you - companions

Over the next few days I'd like to share more with you about this list and tell you about some of the answers God has given me over the past few years. More to come... :)

Life is good

Life is good, right now, just the way it is. Despite all the hard things that have happened over the past four months, life is good, right now. Things will never again be exactly as they are right now. Dawn and I will not always teach at Atlas together. I will not always be in college, able to take different classes and study so many things. I will not always live with James and my parents. I will not always teach these same little children, having such an opportunity for influence in their lives. This is a time to be enjoyed, to be treasured. What a shame it would be to let it all slip away without truly appreciating every moment of it. To live like this, that is what it is to be truly alive - vibrant, thankful, aware of every blessing - because life is good, right now.

Enjoyment

It makes me so sad to see things not being used and enjoyed - a beautiful old quilt shoved away in a corner, lovely flowers that were received as a gift and never put in a spot where they could be seen and enjoyed, much less watered and taken care of. I just don't get the point.

Wow, and then I turn to Psalms and find "...the Lord takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the humble with salvation and adorn the wretched with victory."

He takes pleasure in us, He enjoys us!

And He wants us to enjoy and be joyful as well; the very next verse is "Let the saints be joyful in the glory and beauty (which God confers upon them); let them sing for joy upon their beds. Let the high praises of God be in their throats..."