"There are seasons in which you may not have all your ducks in a row, and that's okay, because art is being made, passions are being pursued, relationships are in a high-maintenance, deepening mode, or you're just in survival mode - just for a season."

This quote was exactly what I needed to stumble across today. Now that we're adjusting to not having my mom here to help out, I've been feeling as if my life consists entirely of all things baby and lacks the variety it used to have. Not that I mind spending my days caring for my little one, but some part of me does miss having time to sit down with my knitting or a good book. (Both of which feel impossible right now as I can barely manage to keep up with laundry and get dinner on the table!) Although I don't know who the quote was by, she certainly was right: we are just in a high-maintenance stage of life right now with this little one who has been entrusted to us. And its just that - a stage, a season. Someday I'll have plenty of time to read and knit and do housework but I'll be missing these days when she wakes up with a head of fuzzy hair looking just like a baby bird and when her favorite thing is to snuggle up with you. So for today I'm choosing to savor the stage we're in.

Hope

"It is on days like this that I am tempted to believe that hope is a cruel thing. It is hope that says, "Maybe its too early" "Perhaps its because you did the test wrong" and "What about the other signs?" I want so very badly to be a mother - do I give in to the test results and say "Well, my mind and my body must just have been playing tricks on me" or do I hold out for hope?

I know my life pattern with hope and deep disappointment and I know it is because of these experiences that I now feel like discarding hope for the betrayer it has been in my past. But a life without hope? That seems as if it would be no life at all. All these years I've been putting my hope in specific outcomes instead of in the One in control of all outcomes. Setting myself above God, as if my own desires knew better than He what would be the best outcome of each circumstance I hoped for.

This is a humbling thing to realize and to write and yet it feels like a breath of fresh air. For so many months now I have been stagnant, wrapped up in trivial things - I have missed growth. And if these are the circumstances needed to bring me back, to teach me to hope in God and to trust His perfect timing and outcome in everything, then I'll take it, any day, over any hoped for outcome."

This Time

I find myself faced this morning with the delightful prospect of not being able to leave the house for the next three hours - we're waiting for a delivery which must be signed for. What will I do with my time? I've been realizing recently that I have been allowing myself to feel guilty for the freedoms I have in life right now. It's subtle, but it's true. I think of my friends who spend the majority of their days teaching, working, going to school - this is what I'm used to and I've somehow guilt-tripped myself into thinking that I should still be doing those. In other words I have not fully and gracefully accepted the blessings of the life that I have been given for this season, however long it may be. There is not a need for me to work unless I want to, for the time being I do not have classes to attend, I don't have any students yet, nor do I have children to care for. My responsibilities are so few, my days so relaxed and easy compared to what they used to be and yet I have been putting the pressure of my old life on myself without need. This season will not last forever - in January I plan to finish up the classes I need for my associates, I'm looking forward to finding some students (I have one person interested as of last night!) and eventually I hope there will be some little ones around here (eventually meaning I'm hoping for sooner rather than later ;) ). And so I'll take my three hours this morning and use them to celebrate this time. This time of growth, of learning about myself and about the kind of family we hope to create, of healing from the past, of being inspired for the future.

"The greatest love story is your own."

I am still in awe of all the things God has done in the past nine months. I heard this quote just the week before I met Michael and in it sensed that God was telling me that, when the time was right, He would write a beautiful love story for me, unique, all my own, unlike anyone else's, written just for me. He did just what He said He would, and what a journey it has been - unlike anything I ever pictured but perfectly right for Michael and I. Together we have been able to grow in ways we never could have alone. I can hardly believe that a week from tomorrow it will be time to begin a new stage of our journey of growth and learning together. What a privilege to be marrying such a wonderful man!

Stability

For those of you on facebook, I'm sure you already guessed from my status that I got to go see Michael over the weekend. We both have some pretty important decisions to make in the next few weeks which will affect us both no matter what we decide so it was really helpful to be able to talk through some things in person rather than trying to figure it all out over the phone. While we had a great time together and got to do some really neat things up in MN, it was also a time of growth for both of us individually and together. I'm not sure any of the decisions are officially "made" but we have a clearer picture of where we want to go, the kind of life we want to create. This has made coming home very interesting, to be constantly faced with the realization of all the things that will be affected, all the change ahead in life, and I've realized this afternoon that it has me floundering to some degree.

Which brings me to some important questions: Where do I find my stability in life? Where have I been finding it and why is that not working for me? Where do I want to find it and how do I go about that?

I know that the next phase of life holds many adventures that I'm not sure I'm "ready" for yet and lots of lessons that can only be learned through difficult circumstances. This question of stability, though, seems like it will be key in what ever happens. So that's what I'm pondering today - not so much focusing on what decisions need to be made, but where will I find the stability that will allow me to move through change with grace and openness to whatever lessons come?

The List

I think it has come as a surprise to some that I would even consider moving away from home. Having grown up being taught that, as a young lady, it was my place to live with my parents until I married, it was a big change to even become open to the idea of moving out. And while it has not been perfectly easy, I am so grateful that my parents have been able to see and eventually appreciate my reasons for this decision.

At first my thinking was merely along the lines of "Well, what if I never get married? Or what if I do, but its not for many more years? Do I want to just sit around and wait for Mr. Right to come along?" True, I'm working and teaching and going to school, that's not exactly sitting around waiting, but regardless of what came next in life I wanted to take some time for discovery. To discover what I believe and make it mine, to find out more of who God made me to be and to take time to nurture and develop that person. This seemed rather self-focused at first, but truly, this time of discovery will benefit all those around me in the future, no matter what the next season of life holds, whether that be marriage and a family, or an extended period of singleness. My passion in life is to take care of other people, whether through nurturing and "mothering" or by being a helping hand or a listening ear. And yet it has taken me this long to grasp the concept that the quality of my care of others is directly affected by how I am taking care of myself and receiving the care others offer me. It is like breathing. You can only breathe out to the extent that you have taken in a deep full breath of air. In and out, balance, both giving and receiving.

And so I am viewing this as a time of discovery, learning and growth. A time of preparation for whatever life brings next. I took some time a few nights ago to put this concept into a few concrete ideas, specific things I want to do during this time. Hopefully this will help make it a reality since I can easily look at my list and and determine small ways to make progress each day.

So here's what my list looks like:

~Pursue what I believe and how I want to live it out
~Build healthy habits (in eating, exercising etc)
~Determine what kind of family relationships I want to have and do my part to make that happen
~Invest time and emotional energy into the kind of relationship that Michael and I want to have
~Devote whatever is necessary in facing any old wounds and agreements that are brought up by this (a very Eldredge-ish thought if ever there was one)

This is a rather personal list, but I share it here because I want to share the real Katie with each of you. The results of living out this list may very possibly define a great deal of the next year of my life and I want to be able to share all of that here with you and for you all to be able to understand what it is rooted in.

Thank you to each of you for the many ways in which you have encouraged and inspired me in the years and months that I have known you all. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by such caring people!

Things You Need to Know Pt. 1

Life has certainly changed since I went to EXCEL in 2003. I remember being very discouraged during Mr. Bell's talks, even though they were my favorite sessions, because I didn't know what I was supposed to do with my life. I had no idea what my life calling was, I couldn't see where the forks in the road were taking me. As I look back over my notes from those sessions this morning, I am amazed at how much more clarity I have been given in life. This list no longer scares me:

Things You Need to Know

• Where you want to go - life purpose
• What you wish to accomplish - goals
• How you're going to get there - plans
• What you need to take with you - abilities
• What we need to overcome - obstacles and detours
• Who will be your guides - teachers
• Who will travel with you - companions

Over the next few days I'd like to share more with you about this list and tell you about some of the answers God has given me over the past few years. More to come... :)

Lessons of Fall

I have to chuckle at myself because I guess I should have known that this season's struggle would not be the same as last season's. The last time I was this busy, sustainability was the issue, however it seems that (for once) I actually learned my lesson! Throughout these last ten days of my crazy fall schedule, things have remained fairly calm, and yet I find myself facing a new kind of challenge. Every day is so packed full that it is easy to go from one thing to the next all day, and while I am not physically exhausted, I find that it is very hard to hold on to the meaning of life amidst such busy-ness. How do I keep my heart awake and alive? How do I make time to have a life inside, other than what is going on in my visible world? When I carve out times for myself, what are the best things I can do to keep my life from becoming merely an outward rat race?

I'm hoping that a weekend away camping will give me some time to figure out some of this. I'd like to learn my lesson early in the semester when I still have time to apply it, and not at the very end! I'd love to hear any thoughts you all have, how do you cultivate your inner spiritual, emotional and thought life, when you're busy or not?

Inwardly Renewed Day After Day

It's been really good to have some extra time this week since the kids I teach at Atlas are on spring break, I haven't felt as rushed as I normally am to get everything done, but the stress and problems within our family are really starting to get to me and wear me down. It's been very disheartening and discouraging. Thus when I was reading 2Cor. 4 this week, these were the verses that jumped out at me...

"We are hedged in, pressed on every side, troubled, but not crushed, we are perplexed and unable to find a way out, but not driven to despair...we do not become discouraged, utterly spiritless, exhausted and wearied out through fear. Though our outward man is progressively decaying and wasting away, yet our inner self is being progressively renewed day after day."

I'd like yall's thoughts though because I just don't really understand what he means...how is it that we are to be renewed inwardly? Is it as we pursue relationship with God that the troubling things will no longer be as overwhelming? Or does he mean something else?

I've hated seeing how all this stress is affecting me, almost as if it's stealing away little bits and pieces of me, and how it's affecting those who care about me, so this is really the biggest thing for me right now...actively figuring out what God wants me to do with all the stress/problems, rather than passively sitting back and trying to grin and bear it until it all passes.