Hope

"It is on days like this that I am tempted to believe that hope is a cruel thing. It is hope that says, "Maybe its too early" "Perhaps its because you did the test wrong" and "What about the other signs?" I want so very badly to be a mother - do I give in to the test results and say "Well, my mind and my body must just have been playing tricks on me" or do I hold out for hope?

I know my life pattern with hope and deep disappointment and I know it is because of these experiences that I now feel like discarding hope for the betrayer it has been in my past. But a life without hope? That seems as if it would be no life at all. All these years I've been putting my hope in specific outcomes instead of in the One in control of all outcomes. Setting myself above God, as if my own desires knew better than He what would be the best outcome of each circumstance I hoped for.

This is a humbling thing to realize and to write and yet it feels like a breath of fresh air. For so many months now I have been stagnant, wrapped up in trivial things - I have missed growth. And if these are the circumstances needed to bring me back, to teach me to hope in God and to trust His perfect timing and outcome in everything, then I'll take it, any day, over any hoped for outcome."

Secrets

"I feel like I have a secret, like I've gotten ahead of the rest of the world for the day. By 8:30 this morning, the sidewalks downtown were filled with people just on their way to work and the very air held the feeling of the day just beginning, and while on some days we are just waking up at 8:30, today was different. We had gotten up hours earlier, helped someone out with a ride to the airport, taken the train into the city, gotten breakfast together and had a wonderful time to talk and reconnect over coffee. Not to mention actually getting Michael into work early for a change. And yet the difference in today is more than that. The meaningfulness of our early morning was not in getting a lot done, it was in the time we took to be still, to reflect, to be together and we finished our coffee date both feeling energized and sensing a glow around us. As I go into the day tuned in and focused on what is truly important in life, I feel like I have a secret, a secret that is dying to find its way into the hearts and minds of those who go about their days in a mindless routine."


{{Oh it feels good to be back here, able to write again! Somehow I thought having mono mostly entailed fatigue, I had no idea it starts out with fevers and a throat so swollen you can barely swallow. How thankful I am to be past that part and for having such an amazing husband who has taken such good care of me the past several weeks! I am still feeling somewhat weak if I do too much, though on the whole I'm doing tons better. Many thanks to everyone who called and wrote to check in on me!}}

So close, and yet so far

I allowed the picture to come into focus clearly tonight for the first time...the tiny little one sleeping on Michael's chest, my eyes, his ears, a tuft of dark hair, tiny fingers curled up on his chest, a small, contented yawn from a baby mouth. Its the most precious thing in my mind, so clear, as if I could reach out and gently rub the tiny back before slipping a pair of mama-knit socks on the adorably minuscule feet...and it makes me ache. I have always known I wanted my own little ones, mothering is my highest passion, and yet it was so indistinct. Something has shifted tonight - it can never again be so inspecific for my heart now feels as if it is missing a little someone I have never met.

27 things

As you all know, I'm now a year older (and wiser?) and so for my birthday I decided it was time to try a few things I've caught on to as I've been exploring different blogs the past few years.

The first is a list of 27 things I want to do before I turn 27...

1. Project 365 (see the link on the sidebar)
2. Learn to cross country ski
3. Learn to knit cables
4. Dance often
5. Read at least twelve books (of course I'd like to do more, but hey, I'm trying to be realistic for once!)
6. Finish my associates degree
7. Take a real vacation
8. Truly know different kinds of yarn (what's good for which projects, different fiber combinations, learning their feel etc.)
9. Plant a gardent
10. Start (and finish!) our wedding album
11. Learn to knit socks
12. Go backpacking
13. Paint a picture
14. Learn to draw rocks, water, trees (the things that really hold me back from drawing what I want to)
15. Make a friend
16. Perfect home-made granola bars (anyone have a good recipe?)
17. Try kayaking
18. Scrapbook at least one real moment a month
19. Mail a surprise gift
20. Research children and emotions
21. Try roasted pumpkin seeds
22. Try wet felting
23. Volunteer
24. Surprise someone
25. Swim in the ocean
26. Write a poem
27. Express gratitude often

I'm sure things from this list will find their way into future posts so watch out :) I'm especially excited about Project365 as well as the other new link in the sidebar. I've been loving having time to try a few new things like this that help me see the beauty in the world around me and funnel my inspiration into useful channels so I'll be able to find/recall it when opportunities arise!

This Time

I find myself faced this morning with the delightful prospect of not being able to leave the house for the next three hours - we're waiting for a delivery which must be signed for. What will I do with my time? I've been realizing recently that I have been allowing myself to feel guilty for the freedoms I have in life right now. It's subtle, but it's true. I think of my friends who spend the majority of their days teaching, working, going to school - this is what I'm used to and I've somehow guilt-tripped myself into thinking that I should still be doing those. In other words I have not fully and gracefully accepted the blessings of the life that I have been given for this season, however long it may be. There is not a need for me to work unless I want to, for the time being I do not have classes to attend, I don't have any students yet, nor do I have children to care for. My responsibilities are so few, my days so relaxed and easy compared to what they used to be and yet I have been putting the pressure of my old life on myself without need. This season will not last forever - in January I plan to finish up the classes I need for my associates, I'm looking forward to finding some students (I have one person interested as of last night!) and eventually I hope there will be some little ones around here (eventually meaning I'm hoping for sooner rather than later ;) ). And so I'll take my three hours this morning and use them to celebrate this time. This time of growth, of learning about myself and about the kind of family we hope to create, of healing from the past, of being inspired for the future.

For Today

(well, actually "For Thursday" - I wanted to post it then but blogger was giving me troubles so you get it today ;) )


Outside my window...enjoying being able to see the very top branches of our tree with red berries

I am thinking...Mei Mei might need her own bed. She was sleeping in Carrot's and he just came and kicked her out, now she's sulking sleeping on a kitchen chair ;)

I am thankful for...a long weekend with Michael

From the learning rooms...I'm wanting to get back into finishing my math cleps so I can learn calculus next

From the kitchen...Michael enjoyed ankara for supper last night, just as I thought he would

I am wearing...long sleeves!

I am creating...a home. Looking forward to finishing getting my "studio" space set up so I can do some sewing, quilting and scrapbooking

I am going...to home depot

I am reading...Healthy Living from the Inside Out by Mariel Hemingway

I am hoping...to find/adapt the perfect recipe for homemade tomato soup. That with grilled cheese and maybe brownies sounds like a perfect fall lunch :)

I am hearing...I Will Lift My Eyes by Bebo Norman

Around the house...we are getting desperate for a couch - a comfy place to sit other than on the bed

A few plans for the rest of the week(end)...grocery shopping, going to the MN state fair, hanging pictures around the house

"The greatest love story is your own."

I am still in awe of all the things God has done in the past nine months. I heard this quote just the week before I met Michael and in it sensed that God was telling me that, when the time was right, He would write a beautiful love story for me, unique, all my own, unlike anyone else's, written just for me. He did just what He said He would, and what a journey it has been - unlike anything I ever pictured but perfectly right for Michael and I. Together we have been able to grow in ways we never could have alone. I can hardly believe that a week from tomorrow it will be time to begin a new stage of our journey of growth and learning together. What a privilege to be marrying such a wonderful man!

This is an amazing article!!! Its long but well worth reading through to the end. I found the thoughts shared here to be especially encouraging as Michael and I have recently been discussing whether continuing with college and getting my bachelors is really the best way for me to accomplish my goals. Looking forward to sharing more about that decision with you all as things unfold, but for now I'm satisfied that we are on the right track :)

Trees and the meanings thereof

Trees have always held a certain fascination for me, somewhat like Lucy in Narnia, and I sat down a few days ago to see if I could put into words the meaning that trees in general have for me. The words that came to mind were: growth, life, flourishing, gracefulness, strength, beauty. What a picture! This definitely represents who I want to be (flourishing, graceful, strong) as well as what I desire for my marriage and our family (that we would grow together, creating a beautiful life that will encourage and inspire those who witness it).

Since trees are somewhat of a theme for our wedding, this picture of what trees could mean inspired me to see what I could find on meanings of specific trees. However, I was wholly unprepared for the wealth of analogies I found...

Birch ~ growth, renewal, stability, adaptability. Birch trees are apparently highly adaptable and are able to withstand harsh conditions. They are often the first trees to begin to grow again after a forest fire, courageously taking root in new areas. Oh, I want to be like this as I move across the country, I want to grow and be adaptable. I want to draw strength and stability from God and from the precious relationships He's given me as I struggle adjust to a completely new environment.

Alder ~ strength. The description of this tree I found to be particularly fascinating. It provides such rich nutrients to the soil in which it is planted, that it has the ability to restore poor ground to a healthy Ph level! It tends to grow along streams and not only do its intricate roots provide a safe harbor for fish, its leaves also decompose easily in water, providing even more rich nutrients to its environment. This is a picture of what I hope our home will be. A safe haven for all who enter its doors, a place of refreshment and restoration.

Ash ~ connection. I don't think I've ever seen an ash tree (or if I have, I didn't know what I was looking at) but from what I read they are huge, both in height and in girth. Not surprisingly, they also have massive root systems. I love this image of being well rooted and staying grounded and connected. I have really been enjoying praying with and for Michael and I'm so looking forward to getting to do this together in person, every day, as we stay rooted in the true Source of our relationship.


And that's just a sampling of everything I read on trees! My brain is now over-run with ideas on how to remind myself of these lessons on a regular basis. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be able to post pictures and share with you all about another tree project I've been working on. Stay tuned :)

This is what's inspiring me today. I'm dying to get back into my knitting and super excited that now I'll actually have a reason to knit sweaters since I'll live somewhere cold enough to wear them :)

Today I am...

...excited! For when something that used to cause pain is able to inspire, I know that I have found a place of forgiveness. And oh what a sweetness that is. To not be holding on to old hurts opens up so much space you didn't know was there, opens it to be filled with beauty and inspiration and life!

Savoring Summer Pt. 1

*Sitting on the porch in the cool early morning with knitting and journal

Atlas - the end of the chapter

8.22.08 "I am quite excited about being hired for the teaching position at Atlas...so many more lives to influence and children to love and bless."
I can hardly believe I have already come to the end of the Atlas chapter in my life. The past two years have gone by so quickly! I never would have imagined what an important role this school would play in my life. Through my time there I have learned soooo much about teaching, working with children of many different personalities, and some about working with difficult people ;) but through it I have also met a wonderful friend and of course without knowing Ms. Dawn I never would have gotten to meet Michael.
Each student there has come to mean so much to me - yes, even the difficult ones. They are all a huge part of my life and saying goodbye to them tomorrow is going to be quite difficult. Sadly its only a warm up for saying goodbye to my private students at their recital next week. I am thankful that some of them will take summer lessons so I don't have to say goodbye to everyone all at once but I know that it is only delaying it a few months. I have to keep reminding myself of what a beneficial thing it is going to be to move half way across the country, to get completely out of my comfort zone and have a fresh start. I know it will provide many opportunities for growth but I cannot deny the fact that leaving all of my students has been one of the hardest parts of making this decision. I will miss each of them tremendously but I will always treasure my time with them, their smiles and the lessons they have taught me.

"Who like Thyself my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, oh, abide with me!"

This is my hope and prayer for today, that despite everything - all the craziness, chaos, decisions, planning, hurt feelings, joys and every day mundane-ness - that I would live in the presence of the One who holds all things in His hands.

Fun in the kitchen

Soulemama is one of my favorite blogs currently and when I found a recipe there for making your own crackers I knew I had to try it! The idea had occurred to me previously but I'd never actually seen a recipe and these looked pretty tasty. This being my first free Saturday in several months it seemed like the ideal time to attempt making them and they turned out really well...so well in fact that I'm not sure there will be many left by time Lindsey gets home later and can try them ;) I put coarse salt on all of mine, oregano on one half (which are terrific dipped in pizza sauce...yum!) and added dill to a few just to try it since I love dill so much. They were such a success I'm now quite interested in finding more recipes for various kinds. After all, making your own crackers just seems to fit in with wanting to make your own deodorant and laundry soap...I'm so glad Michael doesn't think all this is too weird ;)

Here's the recipe for anyone who wants to try them...

Parmesan Cream Crackers

Mix: 1c flour, 1/2t salt, 1/2c finely grated parmesan cheese, and 4T butter. (The original recipe says to do it in a food processor, I did mine in the blender, but I think I could have just as easily done it by hand, possibly with a pastry blender and made less of a mess)

Add: 1/4c of cream or half and half and mix gently until it forms into dough.

Roll out to 1/2 inch thick, adding flour as necessary. Transfer to a baking sheet lightly floured or lined with parchment paper. Lightly score if you want to break into squares after baking. (I think I might try separating them first next time.) Top with salt, sesame or poppy seeds, minced garlic, herbs etc.

Bake at 400 for 10 minutes until lightly browned.

"The world cannot be discovered by a journey of miles...but only by a spiritual journey, a journey of one inch, very arduous and humbling and joyful, by which we arrive with the ground at our feet and learn to be at home."
~Wendell Berry

Freedom

I am fully embracing the freedom of this phase of life...the ability to stop at a park on a whim after a long day of finals, teaching and rehearsing for half an hour. To sit on a bench in the gentle sunshine, relishing the the breeze which carries the scent of honeysuckle my way, writing in my journal, refreshing and nourishing my tired spirit. What will you do today to embrace your own unique season of life?

Simple Pleasures...

• A cool refreshing breeze on my walk this morning
• Spotting where all the wild blackberries are blooming so I know where to find them later in the summer :)
• New favorite songs
• Quotes: "Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." ~Antonine de Saint-Exupery
• Blooming geraniums on the porch
  

Committments

One of the best things Michael and I have done together has been reading the same book and discussing what we learned. Shortly before his last trip down here we finished Conscious Loving (G. Hendricks) which I really enjoyed. I think it had some important lessons for us and ideas on the kind of relationship we want to create. Toward the end, it summarizes many lessons from the book into a set of commitments, which now reside copied out on my bathroom mirror to remind myself daily of what I am aiming for, what I am committed to.

I am committed...

• to being close (emotionally open and honest) and to clearing up anything in the way of my ability to do so
• to my own complete development as an individual
• to revealing myself in my relationships, not to concealing myself
• to the full empowerment of people around me (doing what I can to help them become everything that they can be)
  
• to acting out of the awareness that I am 100% the source of my reality (rather than playing the victim role in life)
• to having a good time in my close relationships
  

"You build your personal world, calm or wild according to what you wish. You can weave peace in the midst of chaos, you can destroy in the midst of paradise. Depends on how you shape your spirit." ~R. Bach

I've been reminded several times in the past few days to take a moment to be still and calm, to breathe deeply and embrace silence. I don't have to just go with what seems to be the chaotic flow of life these days, I can embrace peace in my own heart and let it flow over into my day.

Stability

For those of you on facebook, I'm sure you already guessed from my status that I got to go see Michael over the weekend. We both have some pretty important decisions to make in the next few weeks which will affect us both no matter what we decide so it was really helpful to be able to talk through some things in person rather than trying to figure it all out over the phone. While we had a great time together and got to do some really neat things up in MN, it was also a time of growth for both of us individually and together. I'm not sure any of the decisions are officially "made" but we have a clearer picture of where we want to go, the kind of life we want to create. This has made coming home very interesting, to be constantly faced with the realization of all the things that will be affected, all the change ahead in life, and I've realized this afternoon that it has me floundering to some degree.

Which brings me to some important questions: Where do I find my stability in life? Where have I been finding it and why is that not working for me? Where do I want to find it and how do I go about that?

I know that the next phase of life holds many adventures that I'm not sure I'm "ready" for yet and lots of lessons that can only be learned through difficult circumstances. This question of stability, though, seems like it will be key in what ever happens. So that's what I'm pondering today - not so much focusing on what decisions need to be made, but where will I find the stability that will allow me to move through change with grace and openness to whatever lessons come?

I never realized before what a scary thing it could be to share your ideal, your dream, with someone, even someone you trust implicitly. Dreams are fragile things, easily shattered, able to slip away into the night, never to be seen again. That seems to be one of my main lessons recently though - to open up and share thoughts and dreams and feelings, wishes, wants and needs that I would have kept to myself in the past. Thus far I've found it to be a terrifying, exhilarating, freeing lesson in which I often feel I'm just along for the ride and I have no idea what the end result will be.

"How much of myself will I let myself become?"

I'm back

Ah, I just have to say a two week vacation has been wonderful!!! It was not a complete vacation, but not having to teach at Atlas left me with a lot of free time to rest and enjoy normal things as well as special things...Michael coming for Easter, a weekend trip to the mountains, fun cooking projects (I've fallen in love with tofu pasta salad!), going to see Alice in Wonderland, planting seeds, dinner with friends, reading and late mornings to rest and just *be* But alas, normal life starts again. In a way I'm looking forward to it though - a break has been nice but my routine sounds so inviting, and so, I'm back!

the open road

"I can feel the tension melting out of my shoulders as the warm sunshine floods in through my open sunroof. It feels incredibly good to be driving somewhere for a reason other than work! Warmth and sunshine and the open road beckon and I can hardly wait to go on a road trip up to the mountains with Michael this weekend. Driving, talking, music, open windows, hiking, exploring, being together - just the vacation I need."

I'm so excited that its that time of year again! Lindsey and I are really thankful for how much sun we get on our deck and have all kinds of plans for what we want to grow. Its been really enjoyable to picture together how we can create a beautiful, restful and functional environment in our little space :) For in my mind, beauty and function go hand in hand. Just because something serves a practical purpose is no reason why it should not be pretty as well, right? And so I decided that since I'm going to be watering plants so many months out of every year (I loooove having such a long growing season here in the south!) I might as well enjoy my tools for this task. Homegoods was more than obliging in helping me out with this dilemma ;)

Don't let the cat out of the bag!

Mei Mei's new favorite play toy has been the fun, crinkly grocery bag that was sitting in Katie's room. Apparently she woke up early one morning last week and decided it was a good time to play. It would seem, however, that she got tired in the middle of her plays and was discovered later, sound asleep in the bag!

A Surprise!

I received the most delightful surprise in the mail last week - it made my day!!! Thank you Cheri :) (And I wish you could all smell the candle - Dune Grass has quickly become my new favorite!)

"I received comfort then by looking at the stars...whose infinite depth hinted at a large magic in which the birth and death of humans were small things."

One of the librarians that Lindsey and I work with passed away quite unexpectedly this week and then this morning we found out that my Dad's mom died. It seems odd for there to be so much death in the midst of all the new life of spring. At the library one of the display tables has a picture of Joyce and patrons who knew her have been bringing in flowers and cards to add to the table. Many random people who never new her or who only recognized her by sight have stopped to read the obituary on the table as well and today I observed something that I know would have made Joyce smile. There was a father checking out the table trying to determine what it was about as his little son (maybe five years old) circled around and around the table trying to decide which of the flowers he thought smelled the best. Joyce loved flowers and animals and always had a smile for everyone, I can just picture her watching that little boy and enjoying his delight.

Brand New Day

One of my recent favorite songs has been Brand New Day by Joshua Radin and the words from the chorus seem perfect for this morning:

"Its a brand new day, the sun is shining, its a brand new day, for the first time in such a long, long time I know I'll be okay."

There's something about having a productive yet restful weekend, sorting through issues, gaining a new perspective on how to deal with conflicts, determining priorities and starting out the day bright and early with exercise and a healthy breakfast that makes the sun shine even when its not outside.

Welcome to a brand new Mon-day!

fill in the blank

The List

I think it has come as a surprise to some that I would even consider moving away from home. Having grown up being taught that, as a young lady, it was my place to live with my parents until I married, it was a big change to even become open to the idea of moving out. And while it has not been perfectly easy, I am so grateful that my parents have been able to see and eventually appreciate my reasons for this decision.

At first my thinking was merely along the lines of "Well, what if I never get married? Or what if I do, but its not for many more years? Do I want to just sit around and wait for Mr. Right to come along?" True, I'm working and teaching and going to school, that's not exactly sitting around waiting, but regardless of what came next in life I wanted to take some time for discovery. To discover what I believe and make it mine, to find out more of who God made me to be and to take time to nurture and develop that person. This seemed rather self-focused at first, but truly, this time of discovery will benefit all those around me in the future, no matter what the next season of life holds, whether that be marriage and a family, or an extended period of singleness. My passion in life is to take care of other people, whether through nurturing and "mothering" or by being a helping hand or a listening ear. And yet it has taken me this long to grasp the concept that the quality of my care of others is directly affected by how I am taking care of myself and receiving the care others offer me. It is like breathing. You can only breathe out to the extent that you have taken in a deep full breath of air. In and out, balance, both giving and receiving.

And so I am viewing this as a time of discovery, learning and growth. A time of preparation for whatever life brings next. I took some time a few nights ago to put this concept into a few concrete ideas, specific things I want to do during this time. Hopefully this will help make it a reality since I can easily look at my list and and determine small ways to make progress each day.

So here's what my list looks like:

~Pursue what I believe and how I want to live it out
~Build healthy habits (in eating, exercising etc)
~Determine what kind of family relationships I want to have and do my part to make that happen
~Invest time and emotional energy into the kind of relationship that Michael and I want to have
~Devote whatever is necessary in facing any old wounds and agreements that are brought up by this (a very Eldredge-ish thought if ever there was one)

This is a rather personal list, but I share it here because I want to share the real Katie with each of you. The results of living out this list may very possibly define a great deal of the next year of my life and I want to be able to share all of that here with you and for you all to be able to understand what it is rooted in.

Thank you to each of you for the many ways in which you have encouraged and inspired me in the years and months that I have known you all. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by such caring people!

Beauty

Beauty has seemed very close all day. Driving home tonight it was almost tangible; the sun had already set but the horizon was tinged with pink and shrouded in dusky purple. From the bare branches of the trees along side the road a flock of small birds took to the air, hundreds of tiny wings, black against the sky. Beauty. So close I could almost reach out and touch it.

And in a way I feel I have played a part in Beauty today, that it has been in me and I have been a part of its existence today. Physical loveliness is only one part of the expression of all that true Beauty is. And while I would not call myself beautiful today, I would describe my appearance and my frame of mind today (at least most of the day) as being graceful. A gracefulness that feels like it came to me this morning straight from the Beauty to which it belongs and which has been so near all day. Skirts speak to me of gracefulness these days and I have been wearing a long comfy jean skirt today with a purple shirt that has a slight turquoise shimmer to it and a gray sweater for the chilly spring evening. My steps were more gentle, my mind more focused, my heart more in tune.

May the grace of today flow into the peacefulness of this evening and may Beauty always be as real and as close as it has been throughout this day.

Pulse - evidence of a heart at work, an underlying rhythm, the core of life

my pulse: monitoring where my focus is, reminding myself in the hard times why it was that I wanted to move out, discovering a new daily rhythm, making conscious choices "large" and "small" that create my life, remaining open

Moving!!!

The fun began early Friday morning as Lindsey and I headed off to sign papers, get our keys and do a bit of cleaning, leaving Michael and James home to finish loading some boxes and pack Dad's SUV. Watching the two of them pack was rather comical, Michael apparently inherited his dad's packing abilities and there was not a square inch that was not utilized to the utmost of its potential. We brought tulips with us when we went to clean and they were the first thing to be brought in and set on the counter. I'm so glad to have a roommate who values making things feel homey and comfy too!

The guys moved all the heavy stuff, so why was I the one getting the back rub???
We got everything moved by late afternoon and then various family members and a few close friends came to celebrate and have pizza and brownies with us.

Saturday we (Michael, Lindsey and I) went to check out a chair from Craig's list to complete our living room. It barely fit in the jeep though and Lindsey had a really squished ride home but it was worth it, its exactly the kind of chair we'd been looking for.


It was a huge help having Michael here for the move :) We put the poor guy to work, moving boxes, arranging furniture, helping us get the internet set up, hanging stuff on walls, cooking, grocery shopping etc etc etc. Mostly though, it was a comfort to have him here. I had not fully realized that wherever he is feels like home. Now that he's gone back to Denver, it's starting to set in what a huge change this is. I'm hoping that getting my room arranged and getting into something of a routine will help, but for right now the honest truth is that, with as excited as I am to be here, change is hard and I feel a little lost in life.

Another Birthday :)

Michael - Happy Birthday!!! It hardly seems like just a few months ago that those butterflies were in my tummy anticipating your trip to Raleigh to spend some time getting to know each other better. The butterflies have, thankfully, long since vanished and I have loved every minute of getting to know you and growing and learning together.

I'm indebted to you for introducing me to all kinds of wonderful things like Richard Bach and Conscious Living, not to mention pumpkin pancakes ;)


I'm so glad Dawn decided she needed to introduce me to her "little" brother, though I'm not quite sure how she knew we'd be so perfect for each other :)

I have to say I love your sense of humor :) But at the same time I'm very grateful that we can also have serious discussions and ponder deeper things together. I look forward to having many more such conversations and fun times!

The past few months have been full of changes and adventures; who can possibly picture all that life may hold in store for you in the next twelve months? I wish you a very special birth-day and the most wonderful year possible!!! Happy Birthday :)

For the Birthday Girl

Lindsey, I have to say your friendship has been one of the most unexpected blessings in my life over the past few years! You intrigued me when I first saw you at the library but I never thought we would become such close friends and now roommates :)
Our walks around Lake Pine were a huge part of the growth of our friendship. They gave us many hours to discuss our perspectives on life and to challenge each other to new ways of thinking. They even got to be shared with Shelley when she came to visit :)


I will never forget how well you took care of me after the accident. Taking me to the park so I could get away for a bit and allowing me to be more independent than anyone else would let me be. Somehow you knew that was just what I needed at the time.

In many ways it was also thanks to you that I was able to go to college. You provided so much encouragement and help and reassurance. It was such a blessing to get to take all our classes together my first semester as I was learning the ropes of being in a "real" classroom setting. We have shared so many memories, fun times, struggles and lessons. We've learned and grown together and I hope that continues for many more years to come!
May this year to come be a wonderful one for you! I know it will bring many changes and challenging times along with the enjoyable ones, but I pray that they will all bring growth and joy in the end. Happy Birthday my friend!!!

Homemake-y ;)

I have to admit that even with as stressful and change-ful as the prospect of moving out has been - I'm LOVING it :) ...kitchen towels, rubber scrapers, beautiful wooden spoons, green plates, being given the mixer/blender that I learned to cook with, tea for my cabinet, even tarragon ;)... I have no doubts that the kitchen is going to be my favorite spot in the apartment; we'll even have a counter for bar stools so I can enjoy company while I cook and experiment and enjoy being homemake-y :) For now its all in boxes though, waiting for Friday for things to find their way into cupboards and drawers!

My weekend in pictures...

Denver has such cool coffee shops compared to Cary!

"Katie Cat" and Carrot (consider yourselves privileged, not everyone gets to see me in my kitty ears, much less with whiskers!)


Tea tasting at Celestial Seasonings in Boulder (my favorites? Acai Mango Zinger and Moroccan Pomegranate. Oh and Echinacea too! Now I have tea for the apartment :) )
Promise ring :)

Changes and Lessons

Life has been a whirlwind these last few weeks, with extra shifts, a trip to Denver and preparing to move on the 26th on top of normal homework, teaching and work at the library. At least once a day I find myself thinking how insane I am for attempting all this in such a short amount of time. Then I have to stop and remind myself that with the way things have happened, it is quite clear that this is God's timing for things and that everything will work out just as He intends it, even if I don't see the way right now. I am continually being convicted of my lack of trust. I feel like I go around in circles: I fret and worry, God provides, I think how silly I was to worry and not trust. Then before too long I find myself worrying over something else, and the need is met and I think how foolish I was...

Life is an adventure, so many lessons to be learned, experiences to be had, difficult things to face. Life seems particularly adventuresome right now with so many changes occurring, but I pray I will be able to enjoy the adventure rather than focusing on the stressful aspects of it all. Needless to say, there is more to come: pictures, lessons, descriptions of the apartment...stay tuned for those of you who can put up with my infrequent randomness that sometimes pass as blogging!

Music

I've been discovering recently how starved I am for music, more specifically starved for playing with other people, people at a similar "level" (duets of Lightly Row are great and everything but they leave a bit to be desired). Matthew was home the other day right between right between some of my lessons and we spontaneously ended up playing some of our old piano and violin pieces together. We rediscovered a Dvorak piece that had been an absolute favorite several years back and we happened to end with the last grand chord right as my student walked up the drive way. It was exhilarating!

Dawn and I have plans afoot to work up a concert together, most likely at the beginning of the fall. I'm really looking forward to this, partly as incentive to practice and perfect skills I've learned (particularly ones from Mrs. Gardner), and also because it will mean lots of practices together and opportunities to play! Do any of my violin friends out there have any suggestions for pieces to consider working up for this concert? (Cheri, I know you probably have some input... ;) I'm so jealous that you're getting to study with Katie G.H.!) Any Beethoven ideas would be especially great, I'm not sure what it is recently but I've been dying to play Beethoven!

February

So a few of you know about my habits project from a few years ago. I attempted to see if, instead of having a few New Year's resolutions that I abandoned by March, if I could add a new habit each month. I only made it half way through the year, but I still think it could have a lot of potential if I could not only make it through a whole year, but keep up with each habit. Twelve new good habits could make quite a difference! And so I'd like to try it again. Last time I focused mostly on outward habits (like flossing my teeth regularly - ha, yeah, that didn't go so well...) but this year I'd really like it to be a combination of deeper things as well as more obvious ones.

In January my focus was on learning to let myself feel things deeply. "We have to open ourselves up to what we are feeling, to let those emotions flow. If we bottle them up, we will still feel them in our sub-conscious. Something will feel off, but we won't be able to identify it or know what to do about it." (Sorry for the paraphrase, Michael) And then the second half of this lesson was to "acknowledge a feeling or thought but not get caught in it." Its just a feeling, I don't have to let my emotions control me, but I can learn a lot from what I discover in them and where they are coming from and I still have a choice about what to do with them. These lessons have made a huge, huge difference in my life; I am able to tune in more easily to what is going on beneath the surface instead of merely rushing through life going from one thing to the next.

What I'd like to focus on this next month seems a little more mundane, and yet in a way it is still related to my lessons from January. Last month I learned to tune in to what is going on inside. Now I need to spend some attention tuning in to outward details. Things like being punctual (whether with returning library books or answering emails), keeping track of various things, and doing some projects to bring my surroundings to a little more order. (There's a pretty good likelihood I'll be moving at the end of the month so having things more organized by then would really help!)

So now you all know what I'm supposed to be up to this month...I'm hoping that will provide some added motivation ;)

For those who care to bear with some of my random thoughts...

My life has changed so quickly. In July I had no idea what was coming. In October I skipped merrily along. And then in December life was crazy different than my plans. I look ahead at the next few months...March...May...July again, they're empty pages in my calendar, blank canvases waiting for paint. Can I plan them and they will come to be? Will paint appear on them by some unbidden hand, creating a picture I could never have imagined? Do my suggestions and choices create them moment by moment? Or is life some combination of these? Or possibly something else that has never even crossed my mind?

Today Unedited...

"Love does not die. Time cannot kill it, nor many miles, nor even death."

After such a wonderful weekend its hard to remember that it is truly only miles that separate. Only miles. I am hoping to discover that partings become easier. Hoping that I have learned from past experiences to enjoy the moment and then let it go and enjoy living in the present.

Food for thought...

"Life is too short. Too short to not take the time to nurture ourselves, to seek out relaxation, to walk silently through the woods, and to laugh out loud with someone who knows us better than we know ourselves." ~Heather

Risk

I have to admit that I find it rather interesting that two of the most important lessons I have been learning over the last few weeks happen to be found in my two new favorite songs, yet it was only after listening to them quite a few times that I discovered this fact. Perhaps instead of attempting to explain, I'll just let the songs speak for themselves this time...

"You know we don't have to wait until the end of the night just to say that somethings wrong and maybe nobody's right...steady now, we're in this thing together." (Steady Now -Brandon Heath)

"Love does not run, Love does not hide, Love does not keep locked inside." (Love Never Fails -Brandon Heath)

In the end it all boils down to taking risks. The risk of letting yourself feel instead of denying, the risk of sharing those thoughts and feelings with others. The risk of being perfectly open and not hiding, the risk of trusting and loving. They've been some of the scariest risks I've ever taken, but the results have been oh, so rewarding, and I cannot help being happy that I am walking down this path, as frightening and uncomfortable as it may be at times.

Views from my weekend - Raven Rock Park