So close, and yet so far

I allowed the picture to come into focus clearly tonight for the first time...the tiny little one sleeping on Michael's chest, my eyes, his ears, a tuft of dark hair, tiny fingers curled up on his chest, a small, contented yawn from a baby mouth. Its the most precious thing in my mind, so clear, as if I could reach out and gently rub the tiny back before slipping a pair of mama-knit socks on the adorably minuscule feet...and it makes me ache. I have always known I wanted my own little ones, mothering is my highest passion, and yet it was so indistinct. Something has shifted tonight - it can never again be so inspecific for my heart now feels as if it is missing a little someone I have never met.

27 things

As you all know, I'm now a year older (and wiser?) and so for my birthday I decided it was time to try a few things I've caught on to as I've been exploring different blogs the past few years.

The first is a list of 27 things I want to do before I turn 27...

1. Project 365 (see the link on the sidebar)
2. Learn to cross country ski
3. Learn to knit cables
4. Dance often
5. Read at least twelve books (of course I'd like to do more, but hey, I'm trying to be realistic for once!)
6. Finish my associates degree
7. Take a real vacation
8. Truly know different kinds of yarn (what's good for which projects, different fiber combinations, learning their feel etc.)
9. Plant a gardent
10. Start (and finish!) our wedding album
11. Learn to knit socks
12. Go backpacking
13. Paint a picture
14. Learn to draw rocks, water, trees (the things that really hold me back from drawing what I want to)
15. Make a friend
16. Perfect home-made granola bars (anyone have a good recipe?)
17. Try kayaking
18. Scrapbook at least one real moment a month
19. Mail a surprise gift
20. Research children and emotions
21. Try roasted pumpkin seeds
22. Try wet felting
23. Volunteer
24. Surprise someone
25. Swim in the ocean
26. Write a poem
27. Express gratitude often

I'm sure things from this list will find their way into future posts so watch out :) I'm especially excited about Project365 as well as the other new link in the sidebar. I've been loving having time to try a few new things like this that help me see the beauty in the world around me and funnel my inspiration into useful channels so I'll be able to find/recall it when opportunities arise!

This Time

I find myself faced this morning with the delightful prospect of not being able to leave the house for the next three hours - we're waiting for a delivery which must be signed for. What will I do with my time? I've been realizing recently that I have been allowing myself to feel guilty for the freedoms I have in life right now. It's subtle, but it's true. I think of my friends who spend the majority of their days teaching, working, going to school - this is what I'm used to and I've somehow guilt-tripped myself into thinking that I should still be doing those. In other words I have not fully and gracefully accepted the blessings of the life that I have been given for this season, however long it may be. There is not a need for me to work unless I want to, for the time being I do not have classes to attend, I don't have any students yet, nor do I have children to care for. My responsibilities are so few, my days so relaxed and easy compared to what they used to be and yet I have been putting the pressure of my old life on myself without need. This season will not last forever - in January I plan to finish up the classes I need for my associates, I'm looking forward to finding some students (I have one person interested as of last night!) and eventually I hope there will be some little ones around here (eventually meaning I'm hoping for sooner rather than later ;) ). And so I'll take my three hours this morning and use them to celebrate this time. This time of growth, of learning about myself and about the kind of family we hope to create, of healing from the past, of being inspired for the future.