There are very few people who know that my dad had a huge problem with anger when we were younger because on the outside my parents tried to maintain a facade of a good, church going, God-fearing ATI family who of course didn't have any major problems. This morning though, my alarm woke me up from a terrifying dream that took me right back to the fear of those days. Being so afraid that dad was going to hurt one of my little brothers or Cooey in his anger. Hearing my brother crying and pleading in my dream has made my heart intensely feel the pain and fear I felt when we were younger, being completely helpless to prevent anything bad from happening. How does one even begin to heal those kinds of wounds? Its almost easier in the moment to calm yourself, but how to deal with past pain...?
There were other things in the dream as well, things that reflected things I've been stressed about recently...my relationship with my sister, the strain between my parents, missing Cooey etc. So all in all I'm kind of a mess this morning. I know my tendencies will kick in in about an hour and I'll be distracted by classes and then organizing/dejunking my room this afternoon and all of this will get shoved into a corner of my mind and ignored because I don't know what to do with it. I am so thick-headed it usually takes a lot for God to get through to me and then whatever it is He's finally brought to my attention ends up getting ignored. I hate living this way, so insensitive to what He's trying to show me and then not following through when He does, but I have no clue how to change that, how to deal with all this past pain.
4 comments:
awww, that must have been awful, waking up to all that...and the image of being helpless while hearing the crying and pleading *shudders* my heart goes out to you.
how to let the pain heal? i don't know exactly, it's something i'm on the path to discovering myself. i think writing about it is a wonderful step. another would be to know that it WAS NOT meant to be that way: God created you to be the apple of His eye and to have all that is good. sin gets in the way, but that is how HE wants your heart to feel: not trampled down and scared, but safe, treasured, and cared for.
i love you, girl, don't give up!
Wow, we have something in common, Katie. I completely understand your feelings and pain.
I'm gonna send you a note through FB...
I echo what e said: don't know exactly, I'm discovering it myself, and writing about it is a wonderful step. I've had kind of those re-occurring feelings of things way in my past, offenses from my parents that still would haunt, anger, scare me today. Some other comments are forming in my mind, so I might shoot you an e-mail later when they come together. But I love you! thanks for sharing, I'm praying...
i'm so sorry katie, i hate dreams like that, i'm not sure which is worse, the memories or the dreams *shakes head* what does one do with that pain? i'm not sure any of us will really ever know, only thing i have ever known to do with it is to learn from it, it helps me see how i want to be, it also helps me to understand what others are going through, i feel i am able to help more because i've been there myself, it still really doesn't seem fair to have to go through it though...
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